BATMAN FOREVER

I usually go on and on, filling paragraph after paragraph with the delusions someone actually reads my damn reviews. That's just a sign of how enthusiastic I get when playing videogames, and my desire to spread the word of how much fun you could be having right now instead of reading the ramblings of a geek from New York City. Not this time, folks! Acclaim's "Batman Forever" is the worst videogame I've ever played on the Saturn, with the possible exception of "The Crow", "DragonHeart" and "Battle Monsters" (three other Acclaim beauties; they're 1-4 in my quality meter, since at least they released Warp's quirky "D" in the States).

Based on an Acclaim arcade game (they're first foray into that field) that saw limited distribution and/or success, "Batman Forever" is the umpteen millionth time the company has employed the mindless and exhausted side-scrolling routine inherited from "Double Dragon" and "Final Fight". When done correctly this can be loads of fun; me and a friend still regularly go to an arcade on Times Square and pump up Capcom's "The Punisher" with $5 worth of quarters in order to duke it out mindless baddies. "Narc" and "Metal Gear Solid" also had instances of brilliance despite the twitch nature of the button mashing.

But "Batman Forever" wastes the valuable DC Comic license with the same thing that has been done before to death, and adds absolutely not an iota of originality to the proceeding. Neither did other similar games, but each at least had other redeeming qualities ("Die Hard Trilogy" had its graphics, many moves and novelty value as its signature trademarks); the graphics, audio and playability of this game leave gamers like myself speechless, and provide Acclaim with another turkey they can swallow whole for Christmas. I'd recommend you rent it, just so you can truly appreciate the effort it goes into creating a "NiGHTS", a "Mischief Makers", or a "PowerSlave".

GRAPHICS / VISUALS: C-

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Acclaim is listed in the closing credits of the two latest Batman films (the ones directed by Joel Schmacher) as a provider of Motion Captured Technology for the flicks' special effects. Maybe the PSX and Saturn just aren't advanced enough to handle the technology used in the movies, but we all know the Saturn was (misguidedly I might add) designed with 2D gaming in mind. How come all the sprites in the game look jerky and barely display any frames of animation when moving? Three or four at the most. Aside from the sharpness of the sprites and backgrounds (they look like low-res. SGI renderings, particularly the Batmobile), there is little that says this game had major money put into its development. Also, like in the "Killer Instinct" franchise, the characters on screen don't interact or seem to have anything to do with their surroundings (they just slide by whatever happens to be the background). And what's with the ugly colors? All washed-out, lifeless shades of black and gray mixed with deep greens and purple. I change my mind midway through the review; make the above C- a D+ (hey, unlike "Myst", at least this graphics move!).

MUSIC / SOUND EFFECTS: D-

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Crappy music that resembles the worst 16-bit synthesized tunes you can remember, all in a platform with untapped Yamaha sound chips sitting dormant. You would expect the Batman theme (from the last two movies) to be a full orchestral recreation of the real thing instead of a fuzzy low-res. "pe, pe-pe-pee, pe,pe,pee, yiddi yadda PEE, PEE, PEE, PEE!...". Pathetic. The tunes heard during the game are no better than the intro; you've really hit the bottom of the audio barrel the moment you turn on your Saturn. Batman and Robin, aside from their grunts and yells, have no dialogue to speak of; the same goes for the villains, which is a crying shame since The Riddler could have been a major hoot if lines from Jim Carrey were employed. The sound effects were recycled from all the "Final Fight"-ripoffs Acclaim has released for the Genesis and SNES in the past (they're probably saved on a computer hard drive somewhere deep in their New York offices).

GAMEPLAY / FUN FACTOR: A+

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Just kidding! Make it a C- (just wanted to check if you guys were still awake), since there are several hundred moves and combinations available for our two heroes during their mano-a-mano duel with the dudes that harassed them as extras during their duel with Harvey Two-Face and The Riddler (bosses). Don't ask me what they are, since the tutorial does a bad job of expanding on the moves and the technique required to link them together. Just mash the control and try to keep your distance from the baddies (do it with the boomerang and other gadgets available at any time); that's easier said than done since the collision detection is awful (you can grab someone from several inches away).

It should take about 45 minutes to go through the entire game, if you manage to avoid the cheapness of the bosses and the inability to block the onslaught of sprites attacking you from all directions. You can get better by memorizing patterns, earning as many credits as possible and racking up that score...but do you really want to be known as the lord of the records for "Batman Forever"? Didn't think so. It would score much lower except that there is a part in all of us that yearns a break from the cerebral and timing-intensive ("Final Fantasy VII", "Gun Griffin", etc.); if you can manage to shut your brain off completely for a few hours, more power to you. Renting it won't be a problem, since my friend (the guy who rents games for me) told me this was the first time someone actually rented "Batman Forever" from Blockbuster (can you hear the pennies falling into Acclaim's cash register? No wonder they almost went broke in 1996).

OVERALL: D+

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Are you throwing a party in the near future? I can suggest you a perfect, shiny new set of coasters to carry those beverages, and they all happen to be Saturn Acclaim games available at bargain prices (the set would still cost you about $80, but what is money if not an unnecessary burden on your pocket?) "Batman Forever" is not worth the price of the CD the game was pressed on (a wonderful Polka album had to be sacrificed...the horror!), and its an obvious attempt by Acclaim to cash in on a license without paying the royalties for the most basic elements needed to turn a decent game (actors' likeness, music, Warner Bros. storyline, etc.). Get me a paper bag, because I'm ashamed to be seen in New York State, home of the Bandai/Banpresto of the West (although "Turok: Dinosaur Hunter" redeemed them somewhat).

The Saturn may be going down under, and some of their games were actually decent (they brought "Bust-A-Move 2" to the States). But it is a relief we won't be seeing any of their games on a Sega approved box for awhile (where's "BattleSport"? The Dark Falcon and I are going nuts!). Those PSX loyalists can sure count themselves lucky to have Acclaim in their camp, releasing such fine gaming bliss as "The Fantastic Four"? (Sarcasm 101, folks!).