Ever heard of Naoko Takeuchi's "Sailor Moon"? It's a
lighthearted cartoon for Japanese young girls about five
'Scouts' that go around defeating enemies from far way
galaxies, fight evil by moonlight, win love by daylight and
go to junior high school. The show is like a comedic sci-fi
romantic soap opera with action scenes, and has become a
huge international hit in every country it was been shown
(particularly France and its native Japan), except the
United States. Here, bad scheduling and a lack of promotion
resulted in the show getting poor ratings and a cancellation
in 1996; a loyal cult following has kept the show in a
handful of TV stations, but for the most part "Sailor Moon"
is dead here in the States. Any eerie similarities between
the cartoon's saga and the Sega Saturn's in the US market
are purely coincidental, but I digress.
There are two particularly memorable moments from the
Japanese version of the TV series (which I recently
finished viewing through sub-titled videotapes) that struck
a chord deep inside and made me realize the stupid cartoon
had won me over and joined the handful of TV series I
treasure personally (hardcore "Seinfeld" and "The X-Files"
viewers know what I'm talking about). One was an episode
released in the US under the name "A Crystal Clear Destiny"
(where Tuxedo Mask discovers Usagi/Serena really is Sailor
Moon), and the other one was the final scene from the
theatrical movie "Sailor Moon R" (an asteroid is going to
smash Earth, and the Sailor Scouts use their collective
love for one another to provide the Moon Princess enough
power to sacrifice herself, destroy the asteroid and save
Earth...she eventually gets resurrected). Why should any of
you, Saturn faithful, give a damn about yours truly's
favorite TV series? Why should you bother to hear about the
pinnacle of my TV viewing experience?
Because, there are highs and there are lows in life, and
those two scenes from those two episodes of "Sailor Moon"
represent my pinnacle of pleasure regarding the TV series,
as it became clear to me that the animation cells and
actor's voices stopped becoming that, and the characters
became eerie believable personalities I felt comfortable
with. It's like the first time you gamers understood what
playing "NiGHTS Into Dreams" was all about, or that first
time you saw "Virtua Fighter 2" on the Saturn and felt
vindicated about purchasing the system. For you it might
have been picking up "Super Mario 64" for the first time,
or watching the awesome spectacle that are the dogfights in
"Colony Wars"...it's an undescribible feeling of awe that
cannot be put in words. Today, I'm here to tell you that
playing the Saturn version of the G.T.Interactive's game
"Courier Crisis" is the exact opposite, the antithesis, the
mirrored flip side of everything all of the above stand for
and much more. I've played my share of games with my jaw
dropped on the floor in astonishment (the first time I
played "Ridge Racer" and "Super G.T." come to mind), but
"Courier Crisis" beats them all with a game so unbelievably
lacking in every conceivable aspect of videogaming that it
truly defies belief. As high as "Sailor Moon" carries me
to heaven when I watch TV, "Courier Crisis" is the lowest
point of my videogaming life, bar none. Now that you know
how this movie is going to end, it's up to your tolerance
if you want to watch the rest of the story unfold, or leave
now fully aware of what a waste of your hard-earned dollar
buying this game for $49 would be.
But first the basics. "Courier Crisis" is one of only a
handful of third-party releases for the Saturn this past
Christmas 1997, quietly sneaked into stores along with the
likes of "Street Fighter Collection" and Acclaim's
"Battlesport" (another beauty we'll be warninmg you about
in the near future). It's a driving game where you play a
bike messenger delivering messages and packages in between
"Checkpoints" (business people standing in the middle of
the street with yellow arrows for pick-ups and green dollar
signs for deliveries), hoping to collect enough cash to
upgrade your lousy and undrivable first bike into some cool
set of wheels that include everything from (much-needed)
improved handling and grip to rocket-propelled boosters.
Fail to deliver in the allotted time between obstacles, and
you risk being "Wrecked" (crashed too many times), "Busted"
(arrested by cops for causing too much havoc) or "Fired"
(you didn't deliver them on time). You have five levels,
each of them loosely based on metropolitan sections of a
West Coast location (San Francisco or Seattle come to mind,
although the game doesn't resemble them in any way), and an
alternative feel to everything from the slacker design of
the guy you play (no choice of different character to play)
to the disturbing style of the still artwork. If any of the
above sounds suspiciously like stuff you've played before,
then you'd be right: this game bears more than a passing
resemblance to elements from EA's "Road Rash" and Sony's
"2X-treme". That, however, is as good as it gets until
gamers return the game in droves to the store they bought
it from. I honestly can't see any of them sticking with the
game in the long run after watching the tasteless and
poorly designed FMV opening, or read the silly slogan ("The
Saga of the Modern Fatalist"). I stuck to it for a while
though, risking mental instability and blindness due to
extreme number of masturbation sessions in order to relieve
the tension and stress caused by "Courier Crisis". Mercy!
GRAPHICS/VISUALS: D+
The graphics of the game look A LOT like "Road Rash"; you
could have fooled me into believing this was a 3DO game
released on the Saturn had I not known otherwise. The
characters are all sprites, and the terrain and surrounding
scenery pop-up into view very much like EA's bike classic.
All this however means squat because the frame-rate and
sense of speed the game generates are poor at best, and
don't come close to duplicating the thrill "Road Rash"
generated on 3DO. The lack of detail on the sprites that
populate this district is surprising considering this game
was released in 1997, but at least show some bursts of
creativity here and there. Zombie cops, happy-faced marines
and viscous dogs trample your every move (don't slow down
or they'll wreck your ride) along with other equally
disturbing goons. And (again, like "Road Rash"), the
brainless pedestrians and fragile passersby (grannies on
walkers and kiddies playing on the street) are all over the
place waiting for your bike to mow them over.
Since the game involves picking-up and delivering packages
with a whole city in between, there are moments when the
graphics of the incoming scenery just pop-up as you
approach them, covering what just a few seconds before
looked like a huge empty parking lot (minus cars and
parking meters). "Road Rash" and "2X-treme", since they
were racers, could get away with their outdated engines
because they could twist and shape the courses to disguise
and minimize the horizon scenery just appearing suddenly,
but "Courier Crisis" starts slow and that causes massive
and detrimental first impressions that don't get much
better when you finally can afford the more expensive
bikes. This would have made a barely-acceptable
first-generation game back in 1995, but as a
third-generation release on a 32-bit system the graphics
are just plain insulting.
The five different city sections (Civic Center, Industrial,
China Town, Skid Row and Waterfront) have unique visual
styles, as do the rendered stills showing your character's
situation (punching a pedestrian, laying under a tree with
cash all-around, flying over a building, mowing a
doughnut-eating guy, etc.). Although beauty is in the eye
of the beholder, I think the game's artistic direction and
visual style are quite nasty, disturbing and morally
reprehensible (we're talking "Carmagedon", "Postal" and
"Grand Theft Auto" caliber tastelessness here, with a
running count at the end of a level tallying up your
"pedricides"!) and it disturbs me to no end that the game
got a "KA" rating from the ESRB (another one, like Saturn
"Quake" and "Enemy Zero", that sneaked under the radar of
the censors). If you're into gross stuff for the sake of
mindless violence, this is your next "Mortal Kombat".
MUSIC/SOUND EFFECTS: B-
Hard to hear the music in the default setting over the loud
sound effects, and that's a good thing because the
grunge-style alternative music is quite forgettable and
grating. Tweak the music level to your liking, although in
my book the music just couldn't be low enough. The sound
effects are amusing in a trashy sort of way, with a
rocket-like sound effect when you get prepelled high into
mid-air, and the eternally amusing "cashin" when you
collect your fee. And those punches and mowed down
pedestrians getting their bones crushed after you pushed
them into the path of an incoming vehicle are loud, clear,
mean and offensive (just the way the developers wanted).
And this city hasn't experienced the dramatic drop in crime
the rest of the good old USA has over the past few years:
gun fire, car alarms, fire alarms and all sort of
city-related mayhem comes across the speakers really fine.
The speech samples in the game, however, seem recycled from
Acclaim's "The Crow: City of Angels" (remember the infamous
"clown face"?); you'll be called a "filthy animal" and a
"dirtbag", and some of the lines will either amuse you or
make you severely ill ("Got It" and "OVER HERE" in
particular). An acquired taste, but the sound effects
tickled my funny bone and made it fairly easy to ignore the
music. Unlike "Road Rash", there are no cool alternative
music groups providing a distracting soundtrack.
GAMEPLAY/FUN FACTOR: D+
Oh, where to start? The controls of your messenger's bike
stink to high heaven. There is a button for pedaling that
has to be pressed and held to move forward, a brake button,
a button that makes your bike take a sudden twist (ala the
hand brake button of "San Francisco Rush" for the N64) and
a jump button, as well as a button to perform flips and
other minor mid-air tricks, giving the game a very slight
"Steep Slope Sliders"-type boost. But the controls are by
far the weakest aspect of "Courier Crisis", and sink what
would have ended up as a forgettable racing/combat game
into an unforgettable exercise in frustration. The bike
takes forever to pick-up speed, and if you hit a wall or
get wrecked it takes forever to get back the speed. The
jump button takes ALMOST A FULL SECOND to activate the
jump, which means plenty of missed opportunities when you
approach ramps and try to perform aerial tricks. The
sudden-twist button makes things slightly easier around
corners, but it could easily leave you in the opposite
direction if not handled properly. When you finally get the
better bikes the controls become somewhat easier
(especially the ones with suspension), although you will
always feel like your controller was lowered into a pile of
mud. Mix the faulty control with the first-generation
engine, and whatever cool concept the game started with
gets lost in the background. "Sonic R" has "Super Mario
64"-caliber control when compared with this atrocity, and
you all know how faulty I felt that game's control was.
"Courier Crisis" has a cool concept at its chore, and that
occasionally shines through the faulty elements that sink
the package. Between picking up a package and dropping it,
you have a set number of deliveries to make before you
move on to the next level (you start with two, and the
number increases as well as the number of obstacles between
the points). Deliver the package while your envelope
flashes green, and you'll get reimbursed with a generous
tip; deliver while the envelope flashes yellow or red, and
your pay will be considerably less. Get "Wrecked" too often
or "Busted" while performing dangerous stunts near a patrol
vehicle and your meager earnings will have to be used for
bailings and repairs rather than cooler bikes. Later levels
are quite challenging and take some serious patience to
beat. But even here the game's lack of clever programming
shows, as you have an arrow on the upper left corner
glowing red/yellow/green to point you in the right
direction. While the game is watched from afar by someone
else (no two-player option is given, so your friend won't
be able to share your misery...lucky!), it looks kinda fun,
a harmless time waster. It's not until you play the game
that you realize the hideousness of what lies underneath
the surface...kinda like the "Spice Girls".
OVERALL: D+
I deal with messengers everyday in the New York City office
where I work, and besides the obvious cliches and
stereotypes associated with this menial, low-wage and quite
dangerous profession (these people indeed do have the life
expectancy of a moth), I assure you that most bike
messengers are honest and nice people trying to make an
honest buck, and can't help but complement my videogame
system (PSX/Saturn/N64/3DO) when they drop by. And, unlike
the main character in "Courier Crisis", most of them are
African American men that prefer to listen to Notorious
B.I.G. and The Firm. But I don't fault New Level Software
(the creators of the game), since they probably were
inspired by another white-trash inspired project, the
SegaCD port of EA's "Road Rash" ("cashin"!). I just hope
that bike messengers the world over don't purchase the game
hoping it will make them feel proud of their career choice,
because these people have enough trouble trying to support
their videogaming hobbie with their minimum wage salary.
Now that I've said my peace, I got to ask you guys to run
(don't walk) to your local Electronics Boutique and buy
"Courier Crisis" (EB has a ten-day return policy if you
have the purchase receipt), or rent it if you're lucky
enough to find a copy (although I haven't played it, I
suggest you rent the PSX version of the game if you can't
find the Saturn version). It is garbage like this that
makes even the weakest title on your gaming library look
like a work of creative genius; you won't hear me complain
about "Sega Touring Car Championship" and its grainy
graphics, or that "Sonic R" has crappy control. Not after
playing "Courier Crisis" I won't...give me a break! Can
"NiGHTS" and "Fighters Megamix" be so cheap at certain
retailers, while crap like "Courier Crisis" gets away with
being $49? What is this world coming to? Then again, the
United States is the only country where "Sailor Moon"
received a poor level of viewership, and Sonny Bono's death
is treated like a national tragedy.
I remember once in a Home Economics class (yes, we horny
High School students would enroll there to meet girls) a
teacher telling us that if people could see all the grease
of a McDonalds Big Mac Meal, and were offered a chance to
inject that fat into their arteries, they would quit eating
junk food and go on a healthy diet. She drove the point by
actually bringing to class such a needle, filled with
grease and fat all the way to the top. Well, as disgusting
as that demonstration was, I still eat McDonalds and Burger
King and Domino's Pizza and Boston Market, and know fully
well that they will be the end of me. Good living, I know.
Reviewing crappy games is like eating at Arby's, Roy
Rogers, or Hardees: not healthy or good in any way for your
system (and definitely not up to the big boys of the fast
food industry), but a filler for the mind (or, in this
case, a Saturn fan site on the net). Deep thinking inspired
by the crappiest of videogames; I care about you guys too
much.
